MM: “I’m not a goddess. I just wanna be loved like a regular girl…All people ever see is Marilyn Monroe. As soon as they realize I’m not her, they run.”

> excerpt from My Week With Marilyn

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I so get this. It’s true. And fellow actors struggle with this somewhat of an identity crisis I’ve learned. We develop a complex of sorts, dragging our characters or versions of them we think will work best, in different scenarios of real life. We try to separate our real life from what we do and who we portray, but they always end up crossing every now and then.

For me, when I’m acting I don’t feel like I’m acting. I feel like I’m just being another version or extension of my true self. It’s like a switch you click on or off.

But there will be people in our real-and-now lives who want us to be one and not the other, sometimes the wrong one. Modeling, acting, glamming up for shoots, dressing up, emoting, all the illusions that come with the industry…it’s what we do for work/passion , it’s not who we are necessarily. We are our realest, I think, when we wake up in the morning, when we’re ill, and when we’re hurt. But do people want you at those times?

I admit though, I wish things could be like they are in movies. Just sometimes. Like the scene from “Say Anything” where John Cusack holds up the boombox. But rarely if ever do things happen like that in real life,  so romantic and whimsical and ballsy. Maybe in Europe…

“I heard that the devil once had a garage sale. On the table before him were all the worn tools he had used for so long. The rusty hammers of harassment and intimidation, the knives of enticement and accusation, the blades of greed and envy – all were laid out with price tags. Lust was expensive, but not nearly as much as gossip. Pride was more than both combined. But one item was priced higher than all the others. It was plain but well worn. A simple tool, like all the rest, yet the cost was much, much greater.

“What is this? asked a customer. ‘And why is it priced so high?’ ‘Ahh,’ the devil said, cradling the tool in his bony fingers. ‘How I cherish this. This is the most effective tool I’ve ever used. It works when no other item in my bag can do the trick. When lust and envy and greed and sloth fail to do their jobs – when pride can’t make a dent – this finishes the job without fail. I have beaten more saints and sinners with this one tool than with all the others on the table.

“Well, what is it? the customer asked in anticipation. ‘Discouragement,’ said the devil. ”

Could that be any truer! Between fear and discouragement I don’t know which is worse… It goes on to say:

“The key to overcoming discouragement is to allow God to renew us inwardly day by day. And that is done through remaining heavenly minded. ‘Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are quite small and won’t last very long… For the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever.’ 1 Corinthians 4:16-18 ”

I believe God keeps his promises. It’s never in our desired time frame. But when he says the word ‘forever’, never doubt it.

Anyways, I was heckled  so often for these things and I remember how terrible I used to feel and how for so long I wished to look like the ‘white girls’. With their perfect profiles, perfect non frizzy hair, and secure identity. And by secure identity I mean, just by looking at them, you knew they were ‘white’. It was clear. And at that time there was a safety in that. For me, I didn’t look like one specific race. No one knew what to make of me, so they instead made fun of me.

The point is, since I started modeling/acting, more often times then not, I am no longer made fun of for those things, but instead complimented for those things. Circa now – my hair is responsible for most of my payed bookings, and photographers love my nose because from every angle it looks interesting. Solace found..

In the Pipeline: My Film Festival short is in the final stages of editing, official red carpet premier date pending. The newest project that I’m still waiting to film my scenes for is “The Black Guy and The Jew”. This is potentially being taken on by HBO. My character will be very Hilary from Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air. Good times

//MOVIES//

W.E.- Directed by Madonna. Saw the trailer 3 months ago. Put the release date in my planner. Not a big Abbie Cornish fan, but the trailer was provocative. The cinematography did not disappoint, but the editing was kinda choppy. The music was fantastic. Overall, the movie made me feel. I was moved in every sense. Oscar Isaac is an actor to keep an eye on. He and Abbie had already worked together on SuckerPunch which I also loved.

Ghost Rider 2 – I was made to see this by force. Nicolas Cage, ew. Lots of corny one-liners. No Eva Mendes this time (which is the ONLY reason I saw the first one). The new lead actress was out of breath the entire time, and I got really tired of the close ups of her green eyes & runny eye liner. I don’t know how in the world a talented actor like Idris Elba even bothered being a part of this, it had to be just a ‘paycheck film’ for him i.e. didn’t take real acting ability, he just had spare time to do it.

The Artist – After seeing it in the theater, I could’ve waited to see it on DVD. It just didn’t have that wow factor for me. It’s not a mainstream film, obviously. But I liked it in general. The dog character was a pro! The lead actress Berenice Bejo was correctly casted. Very cute and charming, I couldn’t take my eyes off her. But when I saw her interviewed on the red carpet at the Oscars, she wasn’t very friendly. Guess that’s why they call it acting.

A Separation – Heavy heavy heavy. You think the justice system in America is bad? Count your blessings. Well done film. Really pulls on the heart strings. I saw this in a group setting, and people were actually shouting out in defense as if we all turned into lawyers.

Beginners (on DVD) – So I’ve watched this 3 times already. It’s just that good. It’s so many things, I literally run out of adjectives to describe it. Inspirational, quirky, whimsical, strangely romantic. Has comedic undertones. Ewan McGregor is fantastic, Christopher Plummer even moreso, and the french main actress Melanie Laurent was PHENOMENAL. The dog character in this film is also strikingly similar to the one in The Artist. They could be cousins.

In the queue of potential go-sees: Wanderlust, The Lorax, Jeff Who Lives At Home, Carnage

//MUSIC//….. (what’s been added to the ipod recently anyway)

- “Pressure” by Nadia Ali feat. Starkillers & Alex Kenji
- “She Doesn’t Mind” by Sean Paul
- “We Are Young” by f.u.n
- “I Can Only Imagine” by David Guetta feat. (ugh) Chris Brown
- “Somebody That I Used To Know” by Gotye feat. Kimbra
- “Gimme All Your Lovin” by Madonna feat. M.I.A & Nicki Minaj
- “Tightrope” by Janealle Monae
- “Lions, Tigers and Bears” by Jazmine Sullivan

//BOOKS//

This has been put on hold temporarily.. mainly because the first book I want to start reading I can only get on the Kindle(which I’ve been boycotting, presenting a bit of a dilemma) for $6.99. Or I could pay $300+ which is what the physical version has been selling for. Or just wait for the BN release on April 3rd. I never buy things based on reviews really but people just can’t stop telling me about this “Fifty Shades Of Grey” by E.L. James. And it’s a trilogy. Jeez..

In the queue of potential reads: ‘My Year with Eleanor.A Memoir’, ‘The Lazy Intellectual.Maximum Knowledge & Minimal Effort’, ‘Cleopatra.A Life‘, ‘One Nation,Under Contract’

   mom earth travel wonder   fear downfalls hopes him

    dreams love heartbreak him jokes art needs wants health

  sooner later future past present nature pictures gigs

color fun life him wonder schedule pain looks

loss gain change money fashion movies

meaning food him lacking time

  direction

   joy

     Things I think about daily.

Words that came to mind: Valuable, Vulnerable, Victim, and Victory.

Victim because not so much that I am one, but I can relate to the feeling of being victimized. To being at one point subject to deception. I’m sure plenty of girls feel victims to their own emotions on Valentine’s Day..

Vulnerable  is a two-edged sword. Good vulnerability where you put yourself out there and someone reciprocates and you feel less alone in the world. Bad vulnerability where people see you as a sickly wildebeest in the back of the herd, and they take advantage of you in your weakened state.

Valuable because when you decide not to be a victim, you still feel vulnerable, but in that feeling (through sometimes rotten cases of trial and error), you learn your true value. The older you get, the more you realize the qualities in love that are important, and the things you just shouldn’t settle for in life.

Lastly, victory. For obvious reasons. A great movie quote sums it up: “The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.” And there is such a feeling of victory in that. Even when you go out on a limb and you realize you were standing there alone. That takes something deeper and bigger than yourself. That kind of person is a lot closer to finding that certain something that is real.

Someone once told me to be on the receiving end of that type of person’s vulnerability is a once every 10 years thing. I think they’re right.

This initiative designed to help individuals develop sustainable Happiness while making the world a better place*

Participants are encouraged to join the Global Happiness Conference Call at 4 pm pacific or 7pm eastern to focus on one of the project’s manifesto “Ten Ways to Be Happy TM” for each day of the ten-day period:

Day 1: Item # 10 Create a goal or dream list and work diligently towards them.

Day 2: Item # 9 Be active and make healthy choices.

Day 3: Item # 8 Learn to manage your time and your money.

Day 4: Item # 7 Create a list of all the things that make you unhappy and find a solution or ways to eliminate them.

Day 5: Item # 6 Create a list of all the things you are thankful for or that make you happy.

Day 6: Item # 5 Make time for the 3 F’s: Faith, Family & Friends.

Day 7: Item # 4 Donate your money according to your pocket, even if it is a dime.

Day 8: Item # 3 Volunteer your time one on one or to a group.

Day 9: Item # 2 Smile more and learn to laugh at yourself.

Day 10: Item # 1 Decide to be happy and make it your top priority.

There will be different speakers feature in each day. Participate in as many days as possible and catch up the recording for the days you miss after the period. Details at http://iamhappyproject.org

It’s just another one of my hair color phases, don’t worry. Will normalize after a few shampoos, ha ha.